fuck u

I am totaly ragging very mad abou my father and younger sister. I never had a more hateful time, guess I am always hateful towards her but this is the max today. I TOTALY HATE HER!

Damn Her, she was medling with he stereo cd player on my desk trying to get her cd to have a signal on the player. She was doing her work on my table. She was also using my discman which she took from my bag to listen to my cd using the power supply plug hat comes with the walkamn. I Repeatedly tell her to get her things of my table, stop the cd-thingy and and plug out the power supply plug for the discman. She was the one who was crazy first. She threw her own things onto her table which was beside mine and after reminding her some more in a threatening way then she plug out the plug and threw it on the table and that was it! If there was anyone who were to throw my things it would ONLY be ME. So expectedly, we cat fight. Of course I am very sure you know who will get the upper hand but she wasn't gona give up. My Dad who was watching TV then came up to my room, shouted at me and hit me...was that a punch or a slap, I can't tell the diiference because there was no differance. If I had my glasses still man, his slap would certainly blind me. What the Fuck.It went on for a while, he didn't hit me once or twice and it wasn't light at al.  Every hit of his nearly made me loss my balance and did I mention, he was a black belt. Fuck Him. I really had enough of his fuckingly scolding and hitting which was most likely the only thing besdies smoking that he is good at in his entire life. I asked him to get out since he was done hitting. I was asking for it but who cares, you get so mad and worked up you speak your mind. He had my neck between his left elbow and his body, trying to pin me down but I yanked away. He grabbed me by the ankles and tried to drag me that way down the stair but he didn't get far as I held on to the sides of the handrail. I picked myself up and went back to sit on my bed. He came, gave me a few more of those hit/slap/punch on the head again, the kind of whacks that attempts to hit the head of the person away from the neck. He was scolding me throughout, I let him scold his peace before he exited. Bleeding lips, hurting hip bone and cut/blueblack on the ackle--got this from hitting against the bed's leg when he tried to unbalance me. Believe me, this is not the worst.

This is the reason why I am not going to school tomorrow. Might not be even going to see competitions for tml.

This isn't the first time it is happening. And this isn't the worst ever. Come to think of it, all the dialect valgurities to scold people I learnt it from Him and my elder sister when he hits her and Man, I can remember a lot of his beatings towards my elder sister and me. In the era of whacking children with canes, I can clearly remeber as if it was only yesterday that there was once he whacked us so many times that there were lots of cane marks on our hands and legs.  After the caning, we were by ourselves on the bed, telling each other not to cry anymore and were applying for each other tiger balm(the only "medicine" we could get our hands on) on each and every of the cane marks. We were totally speachless when asked about the marks by our friends in school or at play. He was a sure Fucko. I ALWAYS and will forever remeber that scene......I totally hate my dad....that's why I have never bored myself in anyway during Father's Day or his birthday....memories of me even making a card is so vague I doubt it existed.

Then I seriously think my parents are biased. when me and my elder sister made any mistakes in the past, they were always so quick to scold and beat us but now they hardly lay their hands on my younger brother and sister even if it was about the same thing.

PS: Do note, similarly, any comments on this is not really nice.

Nationals~after 4x400m relay

Well, it's been a few days since I last blogged. See, the discipline thingy to blog once in 2 days isn't working. Well, I will try to blog as often as possible and post whatever thoughts or things that I want to share online as much as possible. As usual, let's do a recap over the past few days and their thoughts................

Hahaha....haven't been attending much of school lately because of the nationals. Had Even last Friday, attended half day school on Monday to go and support the 400m hurdlers, Tuesday was my 400m semis, went to school yesterday and didn't attend school again today because of a afternoon 4x400m race. What's more is that I seriously don't think I am going to school tomorrow....well, we will get to the tomorrow part in the next blog.

Let's start with Tuesday's 400m semis and there was 100m hurdles for A girls and 110m hurdles for A boys.......

Well, I didn't make it into the finals kind of expected it but that does not mean that I gave up from the start. was slightly slowler, this time 71.95s compared to 70.03s during the heats.

Well, don't know why but I was actually feeling tired before my event, didn't feel so good....then well, was feeling excited, anxious and all one moment and overwhelmed by it for another moment and feeling nothing another moment. During the heats, I couldn't quite believe that thit was all happening then and there so I was slapping myself and pulling my own ear so that I won't go into a world of my own later. Then I added something new today, I was pinching myself to make sure all the muscles are feeling. Well, I can still see it all happening in my mind's eye...probably the last race that I am running in this life cause I do not or don't think that I have the intension of continuing track after this year. It was a memorable race I would say.

Then I just want to mention that I am pretty proud of some of my track friends like Nic, val and yong. well, nic really stopped many times in his 110m hurdles but still he went on and finish it, nice one dude. I am not too sure whether I am totally right but i think that val and yong was feeling a little nervous and had some self-doubt before the whole thing but in the end, they managed to clear it all and yong even got into the finals.....more points for vj! I am truly glad for them that they managed to accomplished the task that was set for them.  Good one guys.

That afternoon, I met up with my beau and certainly had a great time together.

Wednesday.......

Well, I being away from school on and off made me feel really kind of weird and well, lagging behind witht the news of some people in school....Well, that means over the weekend I have really a lot of work to do....sigh

Just when I thought that the whole nationals thingy is over for me, I recieved a call from my girls captain to run the 4x400m relay in the afternoon the next day. I certainly know very well why I am asked to run the race since I think I am not exactly the fastest few among the girls...think it was to buy some rest time for the captain who has been running everyday since Friday and was having a finals for 400m hurdles the day after the 4x400m relay. I was quick to say ok. When I put down the phone, I quickly recap what I have eaten after my 400m semis on Tuesday and gave a sigh of relief when I confirmed with myself that I have not yet start wacking on junk food yet. Then, I called up the guys captain to borrow from him the spikes again and we agreed that he will pass it to me in school the morning as he was not going to the stadium tomorrow

Today.......

Just when I was away from school by 1 bus stop, the guys captain messaged me to say that he was not in school and was going down to the stadium as the coach asked him to and will bring down the spikes for me. Man...it was crazy but I went to take a bus o leave the school and headed to Eunos mrt and travelled to the stadium at cck......jamming with the morning crowd.

Well, the way the whole race thing was really really weird experience. Firstly, the coach had 5 people to warm up for the relay and it was like the minute before reporting that he asked me to run the 1st leg instead of another girl. The weird part was that I think that running the relay is somewhat easier and harder than an individual 400m depending on how you would see it. I don't knowwhy but for me today, it actualy felt easier. Well, there is that excessive pressure that it is a team event and that you can't let your other tema members down, this is a pressure to run well and fast and also a form of motivation for you to do your best. Well, I didn't feel the anviousness, numbness or any of those usual feelings but just a feeling of uncertainty to a certain extent. I was doubting whether I could give my best and as much as I felt prepared, I wasn't. all the while I just kept repeating to myself "Think so much for what?! Just go down and run lah. Give your best shot, no need to think about it, it's as easy as that". It was only a few minutes before the race that I was rehearsing in my mind how the whole run would be, how I will feel and how I must think I feel.

I was the first leg for the run, after collecting the baton, I repaeatedly wiped my palms against my shorts to ensure hat they are super dry....in case it drops when i run(I know this sounds ridiculous)

"Ker Gari San" I took my stepping, opps, was the wrong foot infront and I quickly changed it. Hmmm....somehow the support that I was getting from my arms doesn't feel right or comfortable, but who cares.....

"Ser di ya"
"Bang"
And there I was off, taking to reach my near maximum speed.Soon I over took the lane 2 before we enter the straight part, the 2nd 100m.
When I was nearing the curve I did feel tired but I told and reminded myself repeatedly into and throughout the 3rd 100m to hang in there. When I finally came to the straight again, the last 100m, I was like "Ok, look, Alethia's there...Go! Go! Go!"
And the race was over for me. Once the baton left my hand, I stopped and bent forward, wanting to support my upper body on my knees with my hands but I couldn't feel them. They were almost totally numb. I kept shaking them to get their feeling back.
Can't really tell or remeber what was our position when I passed the baton on.
We finished 2nd in that heat.

I was totally surprised when my coach tell me that I ran about a 68s for the 1st leg(in case you don't know, 1st leg runs the shortest distance of 390m) which means that my 400m timing now is about 69+s, a ne PB again. The thing was that I didn't feel fast at all, maybe I wasn't going as fast as I did for the first half of the run, I only remembered that I didn't feel like I was in a slow-motion movie for the last 100m. Think that part was slightly faster. Maybe the better performance was due to the change in focus, the focus to pass the baton on. But still, my timing was worse or nearly equal to the average of all our timing I would think, so there isn't much of a Hoo-Haa.

And oh yeah one more thing was that I meet  this girl who was in vj track during the first 3 months in my batch. Well, she was also running the same heat and leg as me. nice catching up a little.

Ok, think I will spare you the torture of reading anymore and spare me the shoulder ache of typing.  Catch up another time huh?

I wana kill myself pt 3: redundant

Sigh..... No summary of what happened in the past 2 days. That's not important now...
 
I sent this out to a friend of min e a while ago....
 
"又没人爱我了: ( 这没人爱， 没人理的感觉真的很不好受。到底在这世上有人真的爱我吗？I feel so unwanted and extra. The world still spins but spinning without me. " 
 
 
You see, I got some serious problem that has been cultivated into me for a very long time. I seriously can't rememebr when it started but all that I can remamber was that from a young age, I had this feeling that no one is interested in me or any of my opinions or thoughts, it's just like I don't matter simply because in their (the rest of the world) eyes I am non-existant. In the midst of describing something or commenting on something and the person's or the people attention draw away in dis-interest, it really hurts. This explains why sometimes when I were to say something I will just stop halfway or guadually lower my volume till I am no longer speaking anymore because no one is listening, so why continue? That is truly and solely the reason why I still keep very much to myself till this day, having very little friends here and there. Because of this overall feeling that people give me in general, I often felt that if I were wearing some light coloured clothes, I could very well camoflouge into the background and become non-existant...or actually, I guess I am non-existant most of the time already, maybe I don't even need those clothes, I am the extra.
 
Because of this mentality and the real situations, I am often alone and to compensate my loneliness I often engage myself in lenghty conversations, sometimes philosophical  ones and when I try to share my thoughts...sorry, no one in my age could relate to it or am interested in it. All the more, I felt outcast. Conclusion....I am often filled with thoughts, ideas, opinions etc but I keep it to myself cause I don't believe that anybody will be interested. And it is precisely because I turn out to be like that that started an unhappy episode. When we argue, I couldn't say much because it was all stuck in my mind and not coming but as I seldom have the practise of verbelising my thoughts or feelings out. And that makes it all a more bad episode and really painful for me.
 
You see, the thing is I can't say what the epsiode was or who was involved because I seriously can't. That's why I post this post. I can't tell anyone or go to anyone when I am sad in this matter or any other matter and it certainly adds more so to the pain. It is just like that and I can't chage this part of the story. I just needed to let it out.
 
Please never mention this to anyone or bring it up in our conversations. Most of the things on this blog are not for discussion no matter what they are. If you read it, please just keep it to yourself. No one else needs to know this through a third party but through this page of the storyteller, the story of me that is.